What makes someone a credible relationships expert?

It's a question I never thought about before becoming one myself.

When I began writing dating and relationship advice, I worried that I'd be called out for my lack of expertise.  After all, all I'd done was go on a lot of dates and read a lot of books.  There were real dating experts out there who had, like, degrees and stuff.

But then I began meeting the other "experts" who, like myself, were writing dating advice online, and I began to realize that anyone can be a dating expert if they're willing to call themselves one.

For example, one of the biggest names online in the dating advice field for women is Christian Carter.

He's just a nice, sweet California guy who has been in a few relationships, has been a player in the day, and realized that women are genuinely clueless about the men they're trying to attract.

He created his courses for women, called "Catch Him and Keep Him," out of a sincere belief that women needed some kind of guidance, and that he - as an ordinary guy (who also happened to be particularly good-looking) - could give it to them.

But lest any of us forget, this is a business.

You don't write dating advice out of the goodness of your heart.  You do it because there's money in it.

I'm not being critical here.  I think that we can all understand that you have to make money for what you do; otherwise, you'd have to give up and start job hunting.  Even dating experts need money to pay the bills.  They can't provide their services for free, and it's important to respect that.

But people will only be willing to pay money for your advice if they believe it has some value.

If your advice isn't any good, or if it's so obvious that everyone knows it anyway, then people are going to get cross that you took their money and gave them garbage in return.

If people are willing to pay money for your advice - and they don't ask for it back - you can rest secure in the fact that your advice is probably pretty good.  It's probably even helping a few people.  And if you can build a business on your dating advice, all the better.  You don't need a degree to prove that you're an expert; all you have to do is point to the number of courses you've sold.

But what makes someone want to buy the advice of a particular expert?

What makes one relationship expert any "better" than another?

For example, the before-mentioned Christian Carter has a monthly interview series with dating & relationship experts.  How does he choose who to interview?

More to the point, who would I trust enough with advising my heart? Who would other women trust?

Some people believe that you should only trust someone with a qualification hanging on their office wall. The title of "relationships expert" should be limited to those counselors, psychologists, and life coaches who’ve had specific training in the field.

Personally, I wouldn’t trust that kind of “expert” with my heart.

A psychologist sitting in his/her office dispensing clinical advice is limited by his/her academic training.  They're not speaking from real life experience; they're speaking from theory.  And theory isn't what I want in matters of the heart.

When it comes to really personal, intimate questions - when it comes to questions that I’m embarrassed to ask but desperately need advice about, like, “I’ve had sex eight times the past weekend, and now I’ve got a burning feeling down there," or, "My boyfriend is acting really weird and won't talk about what's bothering him, and I'm worried he's mad at me" - I go to my girlfriends.

My girlfriends have been there, done that.  If they don't know about an issue through personal experience, they know someone who's gone through the exact same thing.  Girlfriends can be trusted.  Girlfriends care about you.

I am not the only woman who trusts her best friends more than psychologists. Did Carrie Bradshaw consult clinical psychologists before writing her sex columns? Of course not. She consulted her best friends. How many women prefer to chat among themselves rather than go to a marriage counselor when they’re experiencing problems? The majority, I'd guess.

I attended a dating seminar several years ago and asked some of the other women attending whom THEY would choose to give them relationship advice. What gives someone credibility in the field of relationships?

Was it a degree? No.

Was it a perfect marriage or relationship? No.

It was “relationship experience.”

A person HAD to have relationship experiences that had made them wiser. Instead of muddling through like the rest of us, this relationship “expert” had to have gone through some transformative experience. In doing so, they should have learned something real about the human experience ... something that gave them the clue to achieving a happy, satisfying, and fulfilling life—with or without a man.

The second part of that response startled me. What women wanted wasn’t REALLY advice on how to catch and keep a man. What they truly wanted was to know how to be happy, fulfilled, and satisfied with their lives. They THOUGHT that having a man would give them those things. But ultimately they knew (secretly, deep down in their hearts) that the way to fill the hollow feeling in their hearts wasn’t with a guy. It was with themselves.

When I go through rough times in a relationship, my girlfriends know how to listen.  They don't tell me what to do.  Instead, they tell me stories about what they did the last time they suffered through the same thing, and what happened. They don’t tell me not to sulk; instead, they invite me out for serious retail therapy.

THAT’S why women look to other women for “expert advice.”

Other women aren’t going to assert that they know exactly how love works. Other women aren’t going to try to cure them or fix their situations.

Other women are going to share their pain. Other women are going to empathize. Other women are going to care.

We need more relationship experts.

For more information about my dating and relationship advice, visit AmyWaterman.net.