As I mentioned in my post on "Looks and the Dating Expert," what you look like really does matter in a field like dating and relationships.  Sure, you might take marriage advice from a gray-haired, venerable counselor - but would you take dating advice from someone who isn't attractive?

So when, in January 2006, my boss scheduled for me to fly to L.A. to attend a conference by Christian Carter of "Catch Him and Keep Him" fame, I had a makeover to plan.  This would be my first opportunity to meet many of the major players in the women's dating and relationship e-book market, and I knew from my research that first impressions count.

The Dating Seminar Market

Could you imagine being part of a group of a few hundred women, sitting in a hotel conference room being tutored in how to "catch" and "keep" a man?

Me neither.

I wouldn't have believed it unless I'd been there myself.

This would be Christian Carter's very first seminar, teaching women how to develop "Natural and Lasting Attraction."  Carter (real name: Chance Barnett, which I personally think is a much sexier name) was tutored by Eben Pagan of "Double Your Dating" fame in how to build an online business offering dating advice.  Part of the business plan involves hosting seminars, which can then be filmed and sold as a DVD course many times over.

Hopefully, I would learn enough from Carter's seminar that I could set up one of my own in Christchurch.

Makeover Time

What does a Seduction Genie pack in her suitcase to impress a seduction guru? I consulted my fashion guru, Andrew. With the very best queer eye, he looked me up and down and pronounced: "You need to get your hair done."

So I scheduled a hair appointment at one of the most highly awarded, avant garde hair salons in Christchurch.

I told the hair stylist, "I'm going to L.A. and I need a hair style that will stand out."

"Stand out in L.A.?" The stylist assessed me quickly, then made her decision. "That color isn't doing your complexion any good. I'm going to make you gorgeous. I'm going to make your hair a rich, glossy, healthy chocolate brown."

The stylist, a slender thirty-something with a bright red blunt cut, talked to me about the dating scene in New Zealand as she massaged the color into my locks. A shampoo and head massage later, she seated me in front of the mirror.

I was startled. My lovely auburn layers were gone, replaced by a dark stringy look reminiscent of Jack White. My complexion looked pale. Were those blemishes on my chin? I was red-eyed from the dye fumes. Ugh.

"I'm going to dry and straighten your hair so that you see what it will look like," she said. "And nip these split ends away while I'm at it."

When she finished, I opened my eyes and saw the new me. Oh my god. It was Courtney Cox.

"You're gorgeous now," she pronounced. "Don't be surprised if all the men hit on you."

As I stood on the street waiting for the bus, I imagined a line of men with hammers poised to hit me.

Calling Rachel Zoe

But only half the task of preparing for the seminar was done. I had to pack my outfits for the weekend. Andrew advised me to wear dresses and loaned me a leather portfolio for carrying my business cards and notebooks.

That night, I tried on every outfit in my wardrobe. My favorite black dress made me look washed out. All the colors looked wrong with my new hair. I discovered that my eye makeup had to be more dramatic. With my dresses in piles on the carpet and bed, I almost burst into tears. Why did everything have to be so complicated?!

Here's the truth.  For thousands of years, human beings have been attracted to one another, met and mated and married, without the aid of self-help books or dating seminars. Our biology is wired for lust, love, and -- Playboy to the contrary -- commitment. (Oxytocin, the chemical released when breast-feeding, bonds mothers to their babies. The same chemical is released during orgasm for men and women, promoting feelings of intimacy and bonding.) We shouldn't need advice for something as natural as attraction.

Yet in this age of self-help and psychologists and women's magazines, we think we do.

Why Women (Think They) Need Advice

Over the past decade, I've spent hours and hours with my girlfriends on weekend nights dissecting male behavior, discussing sex and love, deciding that female solidarity is the only rock in our fuzzy social world. We all want to be Carrie Bradshaw. We browse Vanity Fair and Elle and Vogue. We ask ourselves the question, "What does it mean to be a single woman?" And we are comforted by the fact that at least we are all in it together.

That's why so many of us women turn to dating advice books and seminars like Christian Carter's. We want the answers to the questions plaguing our hearts. As women, we naturally seek those answers by looking outwards to others who have gone through the same thing. We want to hear about other relationships so that we know know whether or not our experiences are normal.

The dating advice community fills a need. Not every woman has a tightly-knit group of friends. I envy the friendships shown in programs like Sex in the City and Friends, and I know many others who do, too. Perhaps, in ebooks, we can find a virtual community that can do the same thing.

So with chocolate brown hair, suitcase stuffed with dresses, and dramatic smoky eyes, I headed off to Los Angeles. I was going to meet women from across the U.S. who shared my concerns. We were all going to learn what Christian Carter thought of this whole mess we were in.

Why does being attractive have to be so darn complicated?